Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
tis the season
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but