Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
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I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
spicy snake
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG