Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
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Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My dad.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?