My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
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Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde