Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
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Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.