Modded the new Gran Turismo
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Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
any last words?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
No laws when master is gone
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]