Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
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“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage