I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
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At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Sticker placement is key.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much