Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
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My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Sunday