I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Noted.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Wednesday
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!