I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
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My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke