My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
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My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am