13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
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me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
There are usually two types of merchants.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
c’mon!
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.