Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Life cycle of cat
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
why would tinder want me to say this
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”