I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
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Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe