Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
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Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Don’t tell me what to do
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song