i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
You Might Also Like
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.