I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.