[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
You Might Also Like
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.