I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
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I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Animal poetry
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Bit chilly again tonight.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.