I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
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Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.