There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
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[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.