toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
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Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.