me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
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I feel seen
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
What the dentist sees