As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.