Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
man i love columbo
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.