[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
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4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I put the p in pants.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early