my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
You Might Also Like
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Dance like you’re not the father
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted