Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
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Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.