[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
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If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*