I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
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I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.