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article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
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Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again