6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
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I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I know
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.