Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
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[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”