Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
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Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
the three branches of government
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
How it started How it’s going
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
*puts cutlery down*
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule