cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
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I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
wtf is an acronym
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵