I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
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CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age