My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
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Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
“and how does that make you feel?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss