My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
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You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.