I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
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If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Lol.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK