*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
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The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I remember when things only cost an arm.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves