“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
You Might Also Like
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
a fate I wish upon no one
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.