Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
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Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Jurassic park gets weird
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer