[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
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Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.