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Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
sigh
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.