When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
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My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.