If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
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Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?