Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
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I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
they should invent a rest for the wicked