Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
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[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
My favorite female superhero
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…