[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time